7kontinent

What Religion is Your Bra?


A man walked into the ladies department
and shyly walked up to
the woman behind the counter and said,
'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.. '
'What type of bra?' asked the clerk.

'Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type?'
' Look around,' said the saleslady,
as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, colour and material imaginable.
'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from .'
Relieved, the man asked about the types.
The saleslady replied:
'There are the Catholic,
Salvation Army, Presbyterian,
and the Baptist types.
Which one would you prefer?'

Now totally befuddled,
the man asked about
the differences between them.
The saleslady responded,
'It is all really quite simple.'

The Catholic type supports the masses;
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen;
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright;
The Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills....

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D,DD, E , F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?

If you have wondered why,
but couldn't figure out
what the letters stood for,
it is about time you became informed!

{A} Almost Boobs.
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain.
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen
and I can't get up!


They forgot the German bra.
Holtzemfromfloppen

GIGGLES FOR THE MONTH – HOSPITAL CHART
(Actual writings from the hospital chats)


1.   The patient refused autopsy
2.   This patient has no previous history of suicides
3.   This patient has left white blood cells at another hospital
4.   She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night
5.   Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year
6.   On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared
7.   The patient is tearful and crying constantly.  She also appears to be depressed.
8.   The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993
9.   Discharge status: Alive but without permission
10.   Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful
11.   Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch
12.   She is numb from the toes down
13.   While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home
14.   The skin was moist and dry
15.   Occasional, constant infrequent headaches
16.   Patient was alert and unresponsive
17.   Rectal examination revealed a normal  size thyroid (that is some examination)
:mrgreen:
18.   She stated she had been constipated most of her life, until she got a divorce
19.   I saw your patient today who is still under our car for physical therapy
20.   Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation
21.   Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized
22.   The lab test indicates abnormal lover function
23.   Skin: somewhat pale but present
24.   The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor
25.   Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities

Tako im i treba (u bolnici) kad zaposljavaju Indijce.

          A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his
          feet propped up on a   table. He had the biggest boots she'd
          ever seen.
      
          The woman asked the cowboy if it's true   what they say about
          men with big feet (being well  endowed).
       
         The cowboy grinned and   said, 'Shore is, little lady.
          Why don't you come out  to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?'
         
         The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the
          night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.
       
          Blushing, he said,   'Well, thankya, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered.
          Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before.'
      
          'Don't be flattered' she said,... 'take the money and buy yourself some
           boots that fit.'
      

Šeta zeka šumom i naiđe na vučjaka. Priđe mu zeka i pita:
- "Ćao, ja sam zeka. Šta si ti?"
- "Ja sam vučjak"
- "A šta je to?"
- "To je kada ti je otac vuk, a majka pas"
- "Aha, dobro..."
I nastavi zeka dalje. Posle nekog vremena naiđe na mulu. Priđe on i reče:
- "Ćao, ja sam zeka. Šta si ti?
- "Ja sam mula."
- "A šta je to?"
- To je kada ti je otac konj, a majka magarac."
- "Aha, dobro...
Nastavi zeka dalje i naiđe na konjsku muvu.
- "Ćao, ja sam zeka. Šta si ti?"
- "Ja sam konjska muva"
- "Šta?!?
- "Konjska muva"
A zeka kaže: "Aj ne seri..."

Brilliant Beijing Hotel Brochure - Translated as only they can.   

A friend went to Beijing recently and was given this brochure by the hotel. It is precious.
She is keeping it and reading it whenever she feels depressed.
Obviously, it has been translated directly, word for word from Mandarin to English.


Getting There : 
Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests. 

The Hotel : 
This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self. 

The Restaurant : 
Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you. 

Your Room : 
Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity! .. You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts. 

Bed : 
Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers. 

Above All : 
When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it.
   

 :mrgreen: :evil: :| :roll:

http://www.engrish.com/

Причају људождери и преносе искуства:

Каже први:
- пре неки дан сам појео енглеза. Мршав, жгољав, тврд бре к'о ђон, сав никакав. Све ми се смучило!

Други му одговара:
- А ја сам појео неког американца. Дебео, сав масан, неки дебелогузац. Баш фуј! Дође ми да постанем вегетеријанац.

Tрећи почне да се хвали:
- Е, ја сам прошли месец појео једног баш финог! Изгледа посебна врста-балкански политичар! Дивота, почнеш од главе, а оно сам путер! Дођеш код кичме, нигде костију, све сама хрскавица, ма прсте да полижеш. А тек кад дођеш до гузице, е то је специјалитет – унутра још њих петоро таквих!

 xrofl

Tip na ulici nosi majicu sa natpisom- Nemam devojku, ne da mi žena.

Još jedan sirok 2m, visok 2m nosi majicu- mene žena bije.

Dodje momak u teretanu i pita instruktora:
- Na koju spravu da idem da bih privukao sto vise devojaka?
- Tebi brate treba bankomat, evo prekoputa...

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:


Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a
'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ..
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a
thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting..

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about
the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked,
I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy,
and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!'

'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those
loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I
heard him yelling something about a sunny beach..

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck
up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window
and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that
they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended,
but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on
through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the
light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after
all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

"Sign of the cross. Jesus told me that". :mrgreen:

Quotesreo bosanac indijanca kaze pozdrav brate crveni,kaze indijanac pozdrav drvo koje govori

Došle žene kod sveštenika na ispovjest.

- Ja sam ga pipnula prstom.
Svečenik: - Odmah operi prst u svetoj vodi!

- Ja sam ga držala u ruci.
Svečenik: - Peri ruku odmah u svetoj vodi.

Gura se Mara preko reda i kaže: - Mogu li ja isprat usta dok ova nije guzicu umočila!!!

:)

Policija je sprovela akciju hvatanja pijanih vozača.
Naravno, smeste se ispred najprometnije birtije i čekaju.
Oko fajronta krenuli svi napolje iz kafane ...
Pоsmatraju policajci i primete jednog koji izlazi na parking
i pokušava da nađe svoj auto, proba jedan da otključa,
proba drugi, pada, ustaje, tetura se i
nakon dobrog padanja po parkingu i traženja svog auta,
naravno parking se u međuvremenu ispraznio,
pronalazi auto i kreće kući.
Naravno, patrola koja ga je promatrala odmah ga zaustavi i
gurnu mu alkotest koji pokaze 0,00.
Gleda njega policajac u neverici i kaze:
- Ma daj, kako imaš 0,00 a tu padaš po parkingu već više od pola sata?
Vozač odgovara:
- Jebi ga, večeras sam ja morao da budem mamac

Pedofil
Osoba koja, za razliku od pedagoga, stvarno voli djecu.

Vidoviti Milan
Precizno proriče i odgovore na stambena pitanja!
- Kada ćemo moja porodica i ja prestati da budemo podstanari?
- Tarot kaže... Čim kupite svoj stan

Pas. Čovekov najbolji prijatelj.
Ako imate bilo kakvu sumnju u ovu definiciju uradite sledeći test:
Stavite u odvojena dva gepeka vašeg najboljeg druga i vašeg psa i zaključajte ih.
Dođite posle dva sata i otvorite ih.
Ko vam se iskreno obradovao?

Knjiga
Knjiga je svetinja, a svetinja se ne dira.

Bolovi u prstima
Sigurni znaci da ste postali alkoholičar
Ja ko covjek izlazim iz kafane, kad me neka budala pogazi po sakama!

Dole Nato bombe
Jedna od najupečatljivijih izjava tokom bombardovanja.
Autor je svima nama poznata i jako draga vidovita Zorka.

Moja zena i ja cesto igramo pantomime.
Ona pokaze srednji prst, a ja pitam sta je za veceru.

**************************

Ljubavi, dao sam ti krila da letis,
a ne da odletis.

**************************

Ti si moj kardiovaskularni problem.
'adje infarkte, idi od mene.

Vratio se Perica iz obdaništa, sav prljav, od glave do pete, a tata viče na njega:

- Ti jedno malo prase!
Znaš li šta je to?

- Znam tata, to je dete jedne velike svinje!

---

Tata ko je pametniji ocevi ili sinovi? pita Perica tatu.
- Očevi sine očevi.
- A ko je izmislio parnu mašinu?
- Dzejms Vat.
- A što nije njegov otac?

(nisam znao gde ovo da stavim, a moram da podelim sa vama)

Otvorim jutros Linkedin, a tamo diskusija koju je zapoceo izvesni Hitler XXX (Prezime nebitno). I jos ispod opcija "Follow Hitler". Msm, koji roditelji daju detetu ime Hitler....

Indusi?

Lici na slici na Cigu, jebemliga...

Ne bih se začudila da mi jednog dana zakucaju na vrata i kažu:

"Dobar dan, došli smo po bubreg."

"Kakav bubreg??"

"Onaj što ste donirali kada ste kliknuli na NEXT, NEXT, I Agree!"

****

"Jednom se živi."

Rečenica koju koristimo kada planiramo da uradimo neku glupost.

****

Bože pomiluj ove bezgrešne! Mi grešni imamo sa kim da se milujemo.

****

Malo je falilo da se zaljubim... Srećom, zasr'o sam na vreme...

****

Čuvajte se malih žena. To da valja, naraslo bi.

****

Kakvo je vreme došlo, niko više ne želi da se venčava osim pedera i lezbejki.

****

Udaje mi se prijateljica a nije trudna. Kažem joj nek stavi jastuk, da se ne blamira!

****

Čudne su žene... Prvo prete mami da će se udati, a posle prete mužu da će otići kod mame...

****

Ne mogu da se dogovorim sa ženom gde ćemo na more ove godine. Ja bih u Tursku, a ona bi sa mnom.

****

"Da li neko iz vaše porodice pati od psihičkih bolesti?"

"Ne doktore, svi poprilično uživaju u tome!"

****

Doktori kažu da vam svaki komad pržene slanine koji pojedete, oduzima 9 minuta života. Računajući tako, trebalo je da umrem 1732. godine.

****

Kada čekam u redu, nerviraju me samo ljudi koji su ispred mene... Ovi iza su super likovi!

****

Svi smo mi isti, samo su nam plate drugačije.

****

Ja uvek dva puta kažem pre nego što razmislim...

****

Posle razgovora sa nekim osobama, preostaje mi samo da pustim vodu!

****

Ono što me ne ubije - ja probam ponovo...

What's the best pick up line in Idaho?

- Nice tooth

Narkoman se uradio, dođe do ćaleta i kaže:
- Ćale, crko nam bojler...
- Kada?
- Ne kada ćale, bojler...


Rešio čovek da vodi svinju na parenje, ali posto čovek koji ima mušku svinju
živi čak na drugom kraju sela, morao je da je stavi na kolica i odveze do
tamo da se ne bi zamarala. Uradi on to, onaj mu naplati 20 DM za "posao",
i objasni da ujutru gleda šta svinja radi. Ako pase travu, onda je sve OK
a ako pije vodu, moraće ponovo da je dovodi.
Ujutru čovek pogleda, svinja loče vodu. Stavi je on opet na kolica, odveze,
pukne ponovo 20 DM, svinje završe posao i vrati je kući. Sledećeg jutra
svinja ponovo pije vodu. Šta će čovek, opet na kolica i uz psovke je opet
odveze na seks, i plati novih 20 DM.
Ujutru, iznerviran, čovek kaže svojoj ženi:
- E, ajd vidi šta radi ona svinja, ako opet loče vodu, zaklaću je!
Pogleda žena kroz prozor i reče:
- Ne pije.
- A jel jede travu?!- skoči čovek oduševljeno.
- Ne jede.
- Pa šta radi onda ?!!?
- Ništa, sedi na kolicima i čeka.

Otišao Lala kod lekara, žali se da ne vidi ko prolazi sa druge strane ulice,
sve mu mutno u očima.
Kaže DR, posle urađenih analiza: "Lalo, loši su ti rezultati, holesterol, šećer, krvna slika...ništa ne valja.
Moraćeš da pripaziš na ishranu, manje slanog, masnog, kobasica, slanine, slatkog, vina, rakije, piva...
Razmisli Lala pa odluči :
"Znate šta doktore, kad ja malo bolje razmislim, jebe se meni ko prolazi s druge strane ulice"

*
Umro Josip Broz, pa se svađaju Hrvat i Srbin.
Srbin:
• Sahranite ga vi, vaš je.
Hrvat:
• Sahranite ga vi, kod vas je bio 50 godina.
Sluša njih Jevrej kako se svađaju i kaže im:
• Ma daj prestanite, ne mogu više da vas slušam, sahranićemo ga mi.
Tek će Srbin i Hrvat:
• Nemoj molim te, vi ste već jednog sahranili, pa vam je vaskrsao...

Odlučila princeza da se uda ali samo za onog ko može "ono" 30 puta uzastopno, inače ode glava. Prijavi se Nemac. Odradi 10 puta i ne može više – ode glava. Prijavi se Italijan, odradi 20 puta i ne može više – ode glava. Prijavi se Bosanac. Kako koji put odradi zabeleži kredom recku na zidu. Stigne on do 29. recke, kad će princeza:
- 28!
Bosanac odgovara:
- 29!
Princeza opet:
- 28!
Bosanac ljutito izbrisa sve recke sa zida i kaže:
- E sad ćemo ponovo!

Stopira seljak sa ovcom i
stane mu covek sa BMW-
om i kaze mu da moze da
poveze njega, ali ne moze
ovcu. Seljak kaze da nema
problema jer ce ovca trcati
za njima. Vozi covek 40 na
sat – ovca trci, 70 na sat –
ovca trci, 100 na sat –
ovca trci, 140 na sat –
ovca trci. Pogleda covek i
kaze:
-Brate, ova ovca ti nesto
isplazila jezik
Pita seljak:
-Na koju stranu
Covek:
-Na levu.
Seljak:
-Aaaa, sad ce da te
pretice..
*

*
Dr Al-Saadoon: "Saudi women are driven around by their husbands, sons and brothers. Everybody is at their service. They are like queens. A queen without a chauffeur has the honor of being driven around by her husband, brother, son and nephews. They are at the ready when she gestures with her hands."

Host: "You are afraid that a woman might be raped by the roadside by soldiers, but you are not afraid that she might be raped by her chauffeur?"

Dr Al-Saadoon: "Of course, I am. There is a solution but the government officials and clerics refuse to hear of it. The solution is to bring female foreign chauffeurs to drive our wives."

[At his point the host dissolves into laughter.]

Dr Al-Saadoon: "Why not? Are you with me on this? There might be some considerable opposition to this, but..."

Host: "Female foreign chauffeurs? Seriously?"

Dr Al-Saadoon: [Straight-faced] "Yes to replace the male ones."
*

http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/2015/02/10/saudi-arabian-historian-women-drive-raped_n_6652992.html

Kazem, zamisli ti posle 3.8 milijardi godina evolucije evoluiras u Arapina.

Hahaha!

Koji peh!

*
"Ljudi, ne skačite kroz prozore"
18.02.2015. | Komentari: 0
Beta / AP Photo/Charles Krupa

Gradonačelnik Bostona apelovao je na građane da ne skaču kroz prozor na gomile snega, jer bi mogli da se povrede.
*

http://www.b92.net/zivot/vesti.php?yyyy=2015&mm=02&dd=18&nav_id=959312

podsetilo me na ono kad je gradonacelnik njujorka
zamolio supermena da vise ne zajebava bosance...

:)

Ljuta žena na muža, kaže mu:
- Od sad ćeš sve da plaćaš, ručak 10 eura, pranje veša 10 eura, peglanje 10 eura. . .
Kaže muž:
- Draga ja bih da vodimo ljubav.
- E to će da te košta 100 eura
- Nemam ja toliko, imam samo 50, znači ništa od toga i okrenu se da spava.
Kad čuje da nešto šuška, okrene se a žena nešto traži po tašni.
- Šta tražiš dušo?
- A tražim 50 eura da ti pozajmim, crko dabogda!

 Umro Barak Obama. Nakon 10 godina upita on Boga da ga pusti da poseti Zemlju, da vidi u kakvom je stanju Amerika sada.
Pusti ga Bog. Dolazi Obama u New York, ulazi u bar, naručuje pivo i pita konobara šta misli o tome kakva im je sada država, o problemima koje ima.
Konobar se začudi i reče:
- Koji problemi?
- Pa, znaš, Irak, Avganistan, Sirija, Ukrajina......
- To je sve rešeno. Sad je tamo mir i sve je naše.
- A Evropa, Afrika, Bliski Istok?
Konobar izvadi ispod pulta mali globus i zavrti ga ponosno:
- Gospodine, mi smo sada Carstvo, celi svet je naš.
Obama radostan, ponosan i zadovoljan, ispi ono pivo do dna, pa reče konobaru:
- Hvala ti, prijatelju! Koliko sam dužan?
- Jednu rublju i dvadeset kopejki...

Obama - "Let's give it up for the Secret Service. They're the only law enforcement agency that will get in trouble if a black man gets shot."

 :| :|

http://www.moanmyip.com/

https://translate.google.ca/#sr/en/%D0%B2%D0%B5%D0%BB%D0%B8%D0%BA%D0%B0%20%D0%BA%D0%B8%D1%82%D0%B0

Суљо: " Ово је живот....сунце, пјесак, вода..."
Мујо: "Не сер` болан, и убацуј у ту мјешалицу..."

Cuo ovde u ZG, kako se kaze "Hello Kitty" na bosanskom?

- Djes ba Cica

I jos mi Dusan ispicao "kako se kaze Alisa u zemlji cuda" na bosanskom?

- Fatima u Aldiju   (Aldi je jeftiniji brand supermarketa)

prijavio se Suljo u onu, kako se zove, Islamsku državu, otišao u Siriju i tamo poginuo u samoubilačkoj misiji, a Muju dopalo da javi Suljinoj majci Šemsi. "Joooj", zakukala starica, "kako ja sad mogu dolje da ga barem još jednom poljubim?" "Nikako", odgovorio joj Mujo, "raznio se bombom sav, nema glave." "Makar u ruku", neutješna je Suljina majka. "Nema, tetka Šemso, nema ni ruku." "Pa u rame, u nogu, bilo đe, samo da ga majka poljubi!", ne da se ona. "Nema", opet će Mujo, "nema ni glave, ni ruku, ni nogu". "Pa šta ima?", slomila se starica. "Ništa", odgovorio ovaj, "šta ima kod vas?"

http://www.oslobodjenje.ba/kolumne/gole-svedjanke-u-osvama-kraj-maglaja

Dosli Mujo i Haso kod Dalaj Lame da ga pitaju sta je smisao zivota. Dalaj Lamo, sta je to zivot?

Dalaj Lama: Zivot je reka.

Mujo: Reka? A, ja mislio zivot je zena, deca, poso', kuca, da radis da zaradis, da budes uspesan, da napravis nesto da ostane iza tebe.

Haso: A, ja mislio zivot je zenske, jarani, utakmice, bleja, kazino, dobar auto, kinta, provod...

Dalaj Lama: A, ja mislio reka.

'život je kad si živ...'
(odo' ja sad na adu
za jedno pola sata
2 stanice odavde
vrćem se do deset
da spavam...)

QuoteDalaj Lama: A, ja mislio reka.

:mrgreen:

Malo me podseca na ono "mozda su u shumi"  :)

Vrucina
Prolaze 2 pored crkve
Ispred stoji pop
Brte, mozemo da udjemo
da se sklonimo od vrucine..?
Nemojte, unutra je
Pakao..!

Zdrav covek ima milion zelja.
Bolestan samo jednu. Da jebe svoju sestru.

Nije vic, al' tu je.


U ljubavi postoji tri vrste zena:

- One koje zenite
- One koje volite
- I one koje placate

Apropos toga, jedan ruski vic:

imao covek 3 ljubavnice i nije znao koju da ozeni. Odlucio da da svakoj po $10,000 da vide sta ce da urade sa tim:

prva kupila sebi garderobu uz objasnjenje da zeli da bude lepa za njega

druga kupila njemu sat uz objasnjenje da ga puno voli i da je srecna kad je on srecan

treca investirala $10,000 i vratila mu $20,000

Koju je ozenio?

Ne znam, al' znam koju bih ja.

Quote from: Ivan_D on September 02, 2015, 04:46:42 PM
Koju je ozenio?

Onu koja ima najvece sise.

Pijanista je covek koji zna znanje   xjap

Ne, nego sam covek koji zna kako ti (i ostali Rusi) razmisljate.  :evil: